Toy Review: Top Three Kinky Gifts

Labia Spreader with Stockings imageLabia Spreader With Stockings

If there’s one post that’s been a surprise hit on this blog it’s the review I wrote for this very special hosiery, where stockings are held up by clipping them to the labia rather than a suspender belt. Economical and exceedingly slutty they leave nothing to the imagination – in a good way. Replace the stockings with a luxury pair of your own for an inexpensive upgrade.

This labia spreader with stockings set is available from UberKinky for £15.99

Fetish Fantasy Series Shock Therapy Butterfly Stim

Fetish Fantasy Series Shock Therapy Butterfly Stim

This cute kit is the perfect non-intimidating introduction to electro-stimulation. The control unit features six patterns of electro-massage in ten levels of intensity and comes with three re-usable butterfly-shaped pads which should leave you happily furnished for quite some time. The pads stick fine as as long as you’re lying down (they can fall off if you’re standing up) and can be used to great effect externally on the mons pubis/ clitoral area, breasts/ nipples and wherever else you fancy.

If you’ve ever tried a Slendertone product (which tones your body using a similar system) or a medical TENS machine for pain relief then you’ll recognise the feeling of your muscles being manipulated to contract and release. Whether you’ll enjoy the sensation or not is something else entirely, but if you’re looking to explore electro-stimulation, since the lower levels of intensity don’t remotely hurt the Shock Therapy Butterfly Stim is a great place to start. And who knows, you may even discover you enjoy the pleasure-pain aspect of the highest settings! I suffer from chronic pain – especially in my arms – and so for me ironically any tingling I get from the Butterfly pads is in fact a welcome variation from the norm.

Unfortunately there aren’t any instructions included in the package so be sure to go slow when testing it out for the first time. Pair with Mystim The Goldfather Electrogel for improved sensation.

Fetish Fantasy Series Shock Therapy Butterfly Stim is available from UberKinky for £29.99

Mystim The Goldfather Electrogel is available from UberKinky for £12.99

Anal HookAnal Hook

In the world of BDSM the anal hook is used mainly for posture training as it gives the sub an fantastically exaggerated torso whereby the chest is lifted and there’s a backward arch to the upper spine. This is is a fantastic visual stimulant for the Dominant and a very sexy way to be bound and trussed for the submissive.

One for the die-hard kinksters amongst you, Uber-Kinky’s anal hook is a far more impressive item than it looks in the photos: length-wise if I hold the hooped end to the tips of my fingers and bend my elbow to follow the shape up my arm, the ball comes up to my armpit (I’m 5’9” so not exactly petite). This is where it pays to read the additional information on a product!

Weight-wise it’s also pretty hefty, and since it comes without instructions I’d suggest exercising extreme caution during use until you familiarise yourselves better with your submissive’s tolerance threshold, as if you’re aiming to use it for postural purposes the success of this hook also very much depends on the wearer’s body shape and flexibility – you might be surprised to learn that some issues that beginners encounter have nothing to do with the anal aspect of the hook.

For example, tying the looped end to a D-ring on a collar might prove too much of a dangerous stretch for many people and put unnecessary strain on the neck causing choking (and not in a sexy way). In which case an alternative way to enjoy an anal hook is to tie your long hair to the metal loop or use a longer length of bondage rope to close the gap. You can also use it with a body harness with multiple D-rings running down the spine so that you can choose the perfect height for you, or attach it to a gag harness with reins.

To avoid neck strain altogether you could keep the hook fastened in place and your posture straight by tying a length of bondage rope through the metal loop and then feeding each end of the rope under the submissive’s arms, across the chest, over the opposite shoulder and then back down to the ring so that it looks rather like the sub’s wearing a bondage rucksack (one for the Ramblers amongst you). And then the rope can be pulled as tightly as your Master or Mistress requires with no pressure on your neck or throat – you could even tie the hook to a body harness and wear it under your clothes when you pop to the shops. Of course the other happily sadistic side of an anal hook is that the more the wearer resists it the more they’re forced to feel its presence. Naughty!

You may also want to invest in a butt plug to work up to inserting the ball, as not only is it heavy in itself but combined with the weight of the hook it may be a little more challenging to wear than you might expect. But then of course that’s half the fun… Not for the faint-hearted, but an extremely rewarding product if you have nerves of (stainless) steel.

This Anal Hook is available from UberKinky for £29.99

Combine with Japanese Silk Rope for some serious fetish fun: £14.99 from UberKinky

Toy Review: BS Is Nice Harness and Small Pegging Dildo

Small Zebra-print Pegging DildoAhh, Pegging: the preserve of the straight man, the pleasure bestowed by his aroused, empowered female partner, the all-in-all fabulousness of Lady Muck strapping on a phallus to fuck Lord Muck tenderly up the arse. Pegging is to be celebrated, encouraged, enjoyed. It no more makes a man ‘gay’ than it implies a woman is suffering penis envy. Instead, it is what it is: a sexual activity which brings pleasure to both partners. And thanks to Vibrator Kingdom’s misleadingly named ‘Small Special Animal Dildo’ by Spanish brand BS Is Nice, Cliterati thinks it’s finally found the perfect tools for the job.

The BS adjustable leather harness doesn’t move around during use like many harnesses we’ve tried, and it also has adaptors for different sized dildos, which opens it up for all kinds of play. Meanwhile the handmade Small Special dildo is perfectly formed: not intimidatingly big, not disappointingly small, it’s made of a firm-yet-yielding silicone and, well, this particular one is zebra patterned. See? We said it wasn’t intimidating…

Additionally, BS make the rather funky Capsula Plug. Designed to bring the female partner extra pleasure whilst she penetrates her male partner with one of their other dildos, the plug is worn vaginally and is compatible with the BS harness. However, since the Capsula errs on the small side it wouldn’t suit a size-queen – although it would look great in her bathroom cabinet!

Pegging is the unsung hero of the hetero relationship, and this is your call to arms. So strap on your BS weapon(s) of choice, equip yourself with a non-silicone lube such as YesForLov, and get ready to shoot from the hip: the revolution starts at Vibrator Kingdom.

BS Is Nice Special Animal Pegging Dildo

BS Is Nice Leather Harness

YesForLove Lube

Vibrator Kingdom

BS Is Nice Capsula 


When I saw this Glamour box-set of seven – yes seven! – varied sex toys, I was really impressed, and thought my luck was in! There was a plain silver vibrator with additional G-Spot stimulator sheath, a dildo, love egg, love balls, anal beads and a cock ring. There was also a sachet of lube and the all-important batteries, a necessary inclusion to any electric toy package – after all, there’s nothing more frustrating than a pack of sex toys without the means to make them work! The selection looked well thought out, and the presentation was great: silver, glittery, and great fun. It was slightly hen-party tacky, but that was also part of the appeal – I like a sex toy that doesn’t take itself too seriously, so seven sex toys has got to be seven times as much fun, right?!

Glamour Pur Collection

The Glamour Pur Collection

Sometimes with a big collection of toys you can imagine a female partner feeling over-awed or swamped by the sheer size of the dildos/ bum toys/ etc, and she might like to veto one or two of the items before trying them with her male partner, but that wasn’t the case with this range. Personally I felt more than comfortable trying all the toys out with my husband – the selection wasn’t too intimidating, and it was a good box-set to explore together straight-off the bat.

The vibrator was your standard 3-speed vibe that’s probably been the same since 1970s, which was disappointing, as you’d hope vibrators have evolved since then – which they certainly have! Maybe here it was a case of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. The vibrator wasn’t loud, but then it wasn’t particularly effective either!

The G-Spot stimulator sheath which slipped over the vibrator was a disappointment: imagine putting a condom on and it only coming three-quarters of the way down your partner’s penis! Not a good look. And not particularly sexy on a vibrator either.

The same went for the dildo, which size-wise came way shy of my (admittedly unusually well-hung) husband’s cock. But in that respect – in its favour – it wasn’t a threatening size, and I do appreciate that not everyone’s a ‘size queen’ like me! Not only did it lack in girth, but it was too short to comfortably hold manually inside you vaginally. It needed to be a good couple of inches longer so that you could hold it in your hand and still feel it was secure inside you – and get some good leverage to use it against your G-spot. It might be better used as an anal toy for someone who’s moving up to a larger size butt-plug, but not quite ready for real anal sex yet. That said: it didn’t have that all-important butt-plug base to stop it from being sucked up by your sphincter, so maybe it wouldn’t actually be appropriate for bum-play after all…

The Love Egg was cute and space-age silver, with four speeds, and the buzz on high speed was really impressive! It would have been better clad in nitrile or some such similar phthalate-free plastic-y type-material, as the join/ seam running around the Love Egg was, well, unseemly, and not very hygienic either! Before using a specially-designed hygiene spray, I like to give my sex toys a good wash first, but I was uncomfortable using water on this toy for fear that the join would let water into the engine. Moreover, the vibrations kept cutting out during use, and in fact the love egg finally stopped working altogether – a real disappointment!

It seemed to be a design fault due to how the wire (connecting the Love Egg to the battery/ control pack) was positioned as it came out of the Egg. When we moved position it seemed to work again. From personal experience this isn’t an unusual fault for a Love Egg, but that doesn’t make it OK – especially if you’re using something brand new for the very first time! And that wasn’t the only issue: the battery/ control pack itself was also faulty, and despite us rejigging the brand-new batteries every now and again to make sure that there wasn’t a loose connection, the battery/ control pack wouldn’t let us adjust speed unless it felt like it! It seemed to jam somewhere inside: a real disappointment that neither the egg itself nor the battery/ control pack it was attached to worked properly. Nul points, mes amis!

The Love Balls were a good weight, attractive and silver, but similar to the Love Egg it was lacking a hygienic cover, and again the toy would have been better encased in nitrile or something similar so that the seam/ join was completely covered and waterproof, so easier to clean, and more smooth-looking. Still, the Love Balls did the job, and would be good for any mum who needs to give her pelvic floor muscles a workout, or for any woman to wear at work, for example, to make her day pass a bit more pleasurably!

The anal beads were standard plastic anal beads, but with a fun, glittery silver finish which looked great. My husband had a secret solo go without me, and was a very happy man. Personally I would have included a butt plug instead of anal beads, but then I guess the Love Egg and dildo were supposed to cover that angle – literally!

The cock ring was cute and non-threatening for men, but whether you could get a guy to actually wear one, I couldn’t say: he might have liked the anal beads, but my husband took one look at this cock ring and laughed out loud. Maybe it wasn’t manly enough – it was glittery and silver, after all! It was however nice and flexible/ stretchy, and as it’s two-tiered (so it sits quite deep on the shaft), it might be handy to use it to stop your man’s cock from penetrating you too deeply during sex.

The sachet of Lube was a useful inclusion – it would have been a helpful introduction for lube novices to see how much difference Lube can make, and I thought it was a nice touch to include it in the toy assortment. What was missing, however, were image-based instructions for those who aren’t sure what goes where – this assortment of toys came with no practical instructions whatsoever, and I’m sure not everyone is equally clued-up in mutual sexual and self-pleasure as me and ‘im!

This is a great collection of toys to use with a partner: you don’t have to go it alone here, get your man involved! In my opinion, its unique selling point is that that there are items here for both men and women to enjoy alone or together. And everyone knows it’s always better to share…

A version of this text appeared on the Sex Toy Testers Website

Whilst writing this text I listened to the following on Spotify:

Roots Manuva – 4everevolution (Kinda poppy, but with deep enough basslines to hook you right in, and top lyrics to accompany them – as always)

Brett Anderson – Black Rainbows (This reminded me not just of Suede, obviously, but also something else that has momentarily escaped me. I’ll be back to correct this sometime soon when I get the thought back!)