Wondering what sexy treat to get your lover for Christmas? Well luckily for you (and for me!) I’ve spent much of this year in pursuit of the perfect sex toy, and many testing hours later I’ve come up with my 2012 Top 12. You can thank me later.
For sheer beauty and exquisite ‘objet’-ness, these handmade dildos remain unsurpassed. If your lover has generic sex toys aplenty, then this will complete their collection nicely.
They also have a bespoke service where you can design your own wooden dildo, from length and girth to shape and ridges. Mine is modelled on my husband Roger: my dream double-team!
Mona 2 by Lelo
My all-time favourite vibrator the Lelo Mona just got dumped for a younger model: welcome the Mona 2.
Ticking both G-spot and clit stim boxes, it may be expensive but with vibrations that strong (I – wait for it – had to turn it…down!) it’s worth every goddamn penny. And you can quote me on that.
From packaging to performance, it really is the perfect gift. ‘Nuff said.
The Mona 2 is available from Lelo for £84
A thrusting dildo rather than a vibrator, this is the future of vaginal masturbation, and for good reason it’s the hottest sex toy on the market right now. Best for internal rather than external play, the Stronic is like nothing you’ve ever tried before. It takes a moment or two to get used to using a pulsating product, but once you’re there we guarantee you won’t be going back – just don’t forget to buy a Fun Factory charger too if you haven’t already got one. Fucking fantastic.
To the untrained eye the Pillow Foreplay is a completely crazy idea: in layman’s terms it’s an adjustable inflatable pillow with a hole in which you stick your favourite vibrator.
You then ride the pillow-vibe combo like a cowgirl, or even clasp it missionary style above you if you prefer. It’s so simple it works like a dream, also proving popular with male partners due to the visual aspect. Plus it can be used during sex as a handy prop for the more athletic positions.
The Pillow Foreplay has to be tried to be believed, and luckily there are three different versions for girls, guys and gays alike. I’m now a believer – especially as they also do a bespoke service meaning you can have it in latex, leather or even with BDSM-friendly D rings should you so require. Highly recommended.
With phenomenal packaging this really is a truly gorgeous gift: our jaws literally dropped when we saw The Matryoshka’s box – and that was before we’d even opened it!
As its Russian Doll namesake suggests, The Matryoshka is beautifully feminine in shape, and has its own presentation case (pictured) which you can use to conceal it as it charges (although you will need to buy a European plug converter separately).
Not only is it genuinely gorgeous and unique, but it works a treat: surprisingly powerful, it’s the ideal clit stim toy. We were so impressed we had to test it again, and again and again…
Rianne’s Forbidden Fruit apple vibrator is also said to be outstanding, but we’ve yet to test it ourselves.
Leaf make the most gorgeous green eco toys we’ve ever seen at Cliterati HQ. I’ve tried the fresh and flexible Bloom and was amazed not only at how powerful its separate vibrations were at both ends, but impressed at the unique design which allows you to reach your required intensity simply by keeping the button pressed until you get there (rather than flicking through the vibrations level by level).
Presented in a Fairtrade-style tea box with a cute canvas storage pouch, this phthalate-free silicone toy is an absolute beauty. Clever and cool, it brings a whole new meaning to the term tea-bagging!
This little lady is a true delight: a vibrator that looks like a silicone cupcake – complete with cheeky cherry – and feels like the best foreplay toy you could ever hope to own.
At a perfectly reasonable £35 it’s utterly seductive – especially with lashings of lube – and the icing on the cake is a retro baking tin. Well, actually the icing on the cake is the icing on the cake, and then the icing on the cake of the icing on the cake is the tin, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, if you’re still with me, the Cupcake Vibrator is an appetising addition to the sex toy table, and like most delicious treats is even better to share. Bon appétit!
If Pony Play’s been on your to-do list for some time but you’re not sure where to start, then I’ve put together this tempting taster trio to get you geared up for the horsey highway to heaven.
First up is the Leather Harness: this version’s no-frills and functional so perfect for beginners. However, you’ll need to buy your own presentation box for it as it comes in a plain plastic bag – not very sexy!
Secondly we have the Glass Vibrations Pony Tail Glass Butt Plug. There are several versions of this on the market, including plastic plugs, but this looked the best quality and least synthetic hair for the price, and it certainly felt fantastic when worn: an extremely erotic experience to say the least. A surprisingly lovely item in itself.
Finally we tried the handblown Icicles Glass Cat-O-Nine-Tails Flogger, which not only has sexy suede strings but also doubles up as a rather classy glass dildo: a sensuous toy with a welcome sting in its tail.
Just ensure in advance that your partner’s up to experimenting in this area, and with Lovehoney’s superfast delivery you’ll be saddled up in no time.
For prostate stimulation and general anal play, this is our preferred pegging dildo set. The adjustable harness fits like a dream, the pegging dildo is the perfect size – not too big or too small – and if you’re female you can even buy the additional Capsula dildo to insert inside yourself as you pleasure your partner.
Yes, finally it’s your turn to give as good as you get – especially if you purchase one of Vibrator Kingdom’s bespoke storage boxes to go with it. What would you want written on yours?
If you know a woman who likes a good spanking then she’ll love this: a latex skirt with the rear removed for easy arse access.
11) SPUNK Lube
A new addition to the bedroom, this ground-breaking lube that looks exactly like spunk comes in three different kinds: Silicone for longer sex sessions or shower play; Hybrid for use with silicone toys; and Pink, just for the fuck of it.
If you or your man have a fetish for bukkake, cream pies or threesome MMF fantasies, then this Spunk Lube is for you. Plus it’s a genuinely great product, and we can’t help thinking that as well as the Spunk Lube trio selection we’d like luscious Spunk Lube CEO Jeff in our stockings for Christmas too please, Santa!
Visit Spunk Lube US (with international deliveries aplenty)
I’m not going to pretend this is the most glamorous of gifts, but it may just turn out to be one of the most common-sense presents.
Yes, I realise common sense isn’t sexy, but when you learn that a vinyl sheet is ideal if you’re a squirter, into sploshing, water sports, getting oiled up or even just for fucking during a period, this is an unbeatable present as far as practicality is concerned. And that, my friend, is sexy.
Various Vinyl sheets are available from Lovehoney
OK, I lied – there’s one more, and a very lucky number it is too:
13) Antibacterial Toy Cleaning Spray by Lelo
Essential for any sex toy enthusiast: does what it says on the tin. You need this in your life!
Antibacterial Toy Cleaning Spray is available from Lelo for £6.90
Today’s school run shoes are these fakey snakey Salem boots from Kurt Geiger – the first KG footwear you’ll see on here, but certainly not the last!
From the Kurt Geiger pre-Christmas sale, they’re fast becoming a firm favourite. I think they ROCK (in my usual so-bad-they’re-good questionable-taste way), but would perhaps have preferred them in a cowboy boot shaped style, just to increase the doubt-factor!