Toy Review: Sh! Dildos – Mistress Cupid XL, Vibrating Strapless, Wirly Girly 3

If you’re looking for exceptional dildos, either for pegging purposes or for girl-on-girl action, you want to head to Sh! Womenstore.

It’s not for nothing that the Sh! team have won the adult industry award for ‘Most Innovative Retailer 2011, 2012 and 2013 as well as ‘Best Business’ in the 2012 Qype Business Awards and ‘Best Shopping Venue’ in the more generic Qype Awards 2012. Offering adviceclasses and courses in an all-round erotic education, the Sh! ladies seriously know their sex (or should that be Sh!x?).

Based in London’s Hoxton Square and with an established online presence for those further afield, the Sh! team are unusual in that alongside selling luxury lines such as Lelo and nJoy they also design and manufacture many of their own products – think lube, bondage items and harnesses. Perhaps the most impressive side of the Sh! brand is the extensive dildo collection, made of quality silicone in their local studio. If the array of products available is baffling, then you can call or email the Sh! ladies who will be more than happy to talk you through your option: after all, they were extremely patient in the store one evening when Cliterati grilled them about almost every aspect of dildo production!

Following this illuminative ear-bashing we were sent several examples of the Sh! workmanship, including the Mistress Cupid Extra Large Dildo which was a big hit in the office – literally! Yes, it’s a lovely large number, measuring 7 ½” insertable length and a similar circumference towards the base at its most girthy (if you’re able to insert it that deeply).

Sh! Mistress Cupid Extra Large

As with all Sh!-made dildos the shape of the the Mistress Cupid XL is perfect for its intended use: she undulates in all the right areas and tapers off to a Goldilocks width at the tip (not too big, not too small, just right). An expected bonus is that when used with a harness the Mistress Cupid XL is less likely than smaller, slimmer dildos to slip out of the recipient at an inconvenient time. Thanks to its generous proportions it also gives good pushback to the giver, as the soft heart-shaped silicone base feels fantastic under the harness nestled against your clit. If you’re a girth gal who’s into penetration then this big lady is for you. Mistress Cupid Extra Large Dildo also comes in Vibrating form for an additional £25.

Speaking of vibrations, never ones to knock back the opportunity of ever more intimacy, Cliterati also had the pleasure of testing the Sh! Vibrating Strapless Dildo, meant for grinding and frotting rather than thrusting and bouncing. Yes, this is the “look, no hands!” version, where the wearer’s PC muscles engage to hold the ‘egg’ end of the dildo in place, meaning easy access to the clitoris (“look, no harness!”) and leaving your arms free to clasp your lover close. Suitable for both anal and vaginal play, while the ‘egg’ is shaped to be worn by a woman, the opposite end of the Sh! Vibrating Strapless dildo can be used on either gender.

Sh! Vibrating Strapless Dildo

Although small, the Sh! brand removable bullet in this Strapless Dildo is impressive compared to other similar sized bullets on the market. Obviously, the vibrations do get absorbed somewhat by the silicone – it’ll never be as effective as a hard-cover vibrator – but coupled with the Womenstore’s top quality Strapless Dildo it makes for an exquisitely intimate experience. Happily, as always the Sh! silicone is firm but wonderfully accommodating, and whilst the join between the giving and receiving part of the dildo is flexible it doesn’t feel remotely breakable. If you haven’t got Kegels of steel the dildo also works well with a harness for more vigorous fun.

Of course, if you are intending to use your dildos with a harness then you need a suitably gorgeous one to show off its majesty. Cliterati tested the Sh! dildos using our own harnesses from home, but Sh! do make their own beautiful versions in a variety of colours. In fact, we’re completely torn between the red, purple and hot pink versions of the Womenstore’s own-brand Corset Harness – the quality and colours on offer are simply exquisite.

Sh! Corset Harness in red

The Sh! dildos come in a similarly stunning array of colours – as you can see from the handmade marbled Wirly Girly 3 Slim Dildo below. Apart from being gorgeous, in general terms the WG3 is a nicely modest all-rounder: ideal for strap-on sex as it has a good length to it (so is less likely to slip out of the recipient), and great too for anal or those not hung-up on girth as it’s nice and slim rather than intimidatingly wide. Plus, the ridges are tantalizing when used slowly in either orifice. Of course it doesn’t hurt that the Wirly Girly 3 is also simply gorgeous in every shade: it was love at first sight for Cliterati – especially when we learned there was a vibrating version for a mere £8 more!

Sh! Wirly Girly Dildo 3

This outstanding quality also goes for the rest of the Sh!-made products – of which there are many. So remember, if you are overwhelmed by the wealth of choice available then you can easily call or email the Sh! ladies who will be more than happy to talk you through your options. No need to feel embarrassed – not only have the girls heard it all before, but the store isn’t called Sh! for nothing: Discretion is their middle name!

Indeed, at the Womenstore you’ll quickly realise they really do provide an award-winning service: Cliterati would liken it to the difference between heading to a supermarket for an item or enjoying expert advice at a specialist shop (but without the potential intimidation factor, as you’re sure to get a warm welcome at Sh!). For an exceptional experience from start to finish, simply include their paraben-free water-based lube and antibacterial toy cleanerwith your purchases and you’re good to go. And go. And go!

Mistress Cupid Extra Large Dildo is available from Sh! Womenstore for £80

Mistress Cupid Extra Large Vibrating Dildo is available from Sh! Womenstore for £105.00

Sh! Vibrating Strapless Dildo is available from Sh! Womenstore for £74

Wirly Girly 3 is available from Sh! Womenstore for £38

Wirly Girly 3 Vibrating Dildo is available from Sh! Womenstore for £46

The Corset Strap-on Dildo Harness is available from Sh! Womenstore for £62

This piece was originally posted on Cliterati on February 10th 2015


Toy Review: 8″ Realistic Vibrating Cock by Doc Johnson

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There have been a number of innovations in the erotic industry since the simple cord or screw-based battery vibrator of a few decades ago, yet these original designs are still selling well – albeit with a few all-essential tweaks.

Take for example Doc Johnson’s eight inch Vibrating Realistic Cock, modeled on an actual erect penis. Available in two tones, Black or Cream, despite its outmoded electronics it updates this classic conception, thrusting us into the present day thanks to its lifelike look and feel. The shaft has detailed veins and a carefully crafted frenulum and glans (not a phrase one expects to hear every day!). It also has a pair of convincing balls at the bottom – albeit balls with a flat base – for that all-important sack-slap against the body.

In practice the Realistic 8” may have a hefty weight to it, but this above-average appendage won’t make your wrist ache like his big brothers BamJohn Holmes or Jeff Stryker (reviewed here), and it gives more of a stretched and full yet comfortable feel. The integrated battery-powered vibrator may be risible in its old-fashioned form (‘multi-speed’ seems somewhat of an overstatement compared to its contemporaries on the market), but the Realistic 8” works surprisingly well when coupled with such a generously proportioned cock.

There’s also a suction cup at the base with which to stick your new best friend to suitable surfaces such as French windows, bathroom tiles and wooden bedsteads or floors. Indeed, when this sucker gets a good purchase on a surface it’s surprisingly hard to dislodge. In terms of versatility, for couples of any gender combination the suction cup can be used with an O-ring harness as a strap-on, or alone in roleplaying a threesome without the associated politics.

This item comes UR3 version (pictured) – short for Ultra Realistic 3.0. That is to say it’s dual-density: softer to the touch than the usual range but just as firm inside. This ensures it warms easily to your body temperature and feels just as realistic as it looks. In addition, the smell isn’t nearly as strong as some of their other dongs such as the Jeff Stryker.

But still, there is something about Realistic 8” that’s irresistible: Doc Johnson understand what they excel at and they play to those strengths accordingly, with winning user reviews on every occasion. This is a textbook case of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. That said, it’s probably is time to update the vibrator…

Doc Johnson Realistic 8” Vibrator is available from Simply Pleasure for £39.99

This piece was originally posted on Cliterati on 19th September 2015


Toy Review: Shiri Zinn Leather Harness and Ceramic Dildo

Shiri Zinn Red Harness Strap-on Dildo BackCentral St Martin’s alumnus Shiri Zinn is renowned for her high-end sex toys, using her natural artistic aptitude and practical design skills to develop products of great beauty which are surprisingly functional. Her red leather strap-on harness and red ceramic dildo are a case in point: enticing to the eye and irresistible to the touch they command attention with their luxe look and feel.

Take the harness: as soon as it’s removed from its packaging the smell of high-quality leather hits you like some sort of pheromonal aphrodisiac, whilst its buttery nappa softness demands to be stroked and caressed. If I’m sounding overly poetic, it’s because for many people smell and touch are just as important an aspect of sexual allure as the remaining senses, so just getting this harness out in the first place could be construed as some kind of sensual foreplay!

If you’re more of a visual person happily there’s much to feast your eyes on here too, as the glamorous red and gold patterned satin triangle at the back of the harness is decorated with a cornucopia of glass beads, clustered in a shape to make the rear of this high-end item just as beautiful as its impressive frontage.

The dildo itself is similarly stunning: in a gorgeous deep red colour, it’s made of glazed ceramic (which lends itself very well to heat play), silken to the touch and decorated in gold leaf. Yes, really: nine carat gold. Because of its manufacturing material, in a funny way this dildo actually feels more forgiving than many of the softer silicone strap-ons we’ve tried: naturally smooth and shiny, the ceramic warms to the recipient’s body heat so speedily that with a simple application of lube you’re up and away.

The dildo is also perfectly streamline, shaped to suit both vaginal and anal insertion it has a flared base and a beautifully tapered tip, which bends upwards slightly to hit either G-spot or prostate depending on usage. Of course you do need to avoid dropping the dildo onto a tiled surface, but if you’re careful it’s certainly robust enough to be able to be both hard-wearing and very long-lasting.

This harness is easily the best we’ve tried, since it’s luxuriously soft but tough with it, fits every other brand of dildo we own (see? Told you Shiri had the practical side covered!), and is also the most beautiful – yet comfortable – we’ve come across. You could easily wear the harness out to a fetish club or private party, or even detach the dildo-securing O-ring area altogether, and with a bit of inventiveness tie the remaining silken beaded area at the front or side to wear as an ornamental belt. Indeed, this method could also be employed to add an O-ring of another size if you have a favourite dildo measures differently from the two inches diameter Shiri’s O offers.

In addition to the red series Cliterati tested, there’s also a pink version of the harness and dildo, and a leather-fringed set in baby blue. The range may seem to err on the costly side, but because this exquisite harness can be used with most dildos on the market, and Shiri’s elegantly shaped ceramic item is suited for lady play as well as F-M pegging, it’s an endlessly versatile combination.

These are also products of truly exceptional quality, genuinely worthy of exceptional expense. Besides: what price art? Breathtaking (literally).

Luxury red harness available from Shiri Zinn for £97 (incl shipping)

Luxury red dildo with nine carat gold design available from Shiri Zinn for £49

Official Shiri Zinn website


Toy Review: Laid D.1 Silicone Dildo, Laid P.2 Silicone Cock Ring, Laid P.3 Silicone Cock Ring

ImageLaid is one of Cliterati’s favourite boutique producers of ‘lifestyle products’. A Norwegian company founded by two women, Laid has a very clear aesthetic: its sex toys are of great beauty and taste, and just as importantly they actually deliver when it comes to practicalities.

Take for example the Laid D.1 Silicone Dildo: I’ve already waxed lyrical about their exquisite Stone Dildo and was interested to see how its silicone sister would compare. The two dildos are exactly the same asymmetrical shape, with the silicone version by its very nature firm yet yielding, smooth to the touch and with a pleasingly weighty feel, the quality just emanates from this object.

The not-too-big-not-too-small Laid D.1 Silicone Dildo lends itself perfectly to G Spot stimulation, and its asymmetrical shape means that it can be twisted and turned once it’s inserted to enable you to put pressure on the precisely the right area for you. Not only is it beautifully packaged, it even comes with an informative pictorial instruction manual (which you can also see on the Laid website).

Visual directions also come in handy when it comes to the Laid range of cock rings, one of which, the innovatively shaped P.2 Silicone Cock Ring comes in two sizes (great for larger men) and can be worn in a variety of different ways, each of these encircling both the penis and testicles. Cliterati found this to be the most successful cock ring worn to date – genuinely. It looked good on, felt great against the skin, and the pointed end rested pleasurably against our tester’s perineum (the most instinctive and comfortable of positions he found to wear it).

Meanwhile, the Laid P.3 Silicone Cock Ring Cliterati received was so beautifully silky to the touch that it was pronounced perfect before it had even been tried! However, while the largest P.2 above fitted fine, the P.3 was on the small side for our (admittedly, unusually well-endowed) tester – but thankfully it had just enough flexibility to allow use with a healthy dollop of (water-based lube).

Because the P.3 was a touch small for this particular wearer (who, to give you an idea of size, takes a King Size condom), once on it was mildly uncomfortable for him during missionary and doggy positions, and noticeably uncomfortable with the woman on top and while masturbating – this suggests that the Silicone Stretch version of the P.3 would be more appropriate for the larger man (who may have to concede this wouldn’t reach around his testicles as well, which the Stretch P.3 is designed to do).

However, this didn’t stop Mr Cliterati from saying he’d definitely use the (non-Stretch) Silicone P.3 again, especially when he was tired and it took a bit more concentration to stay rock solid. But in the meantime, the biggest P.2 will remain a firm favourite (if you’ll excuse the pun!).

So if you’ve never tried a cock ring before, or always wanted a super-stylish, unique yet functional sex toy, Cliterati couldn’t think of a better place to go to get Laid. As they say in internet speak/ Norwegian: Vær så god (You’re welcome)!

The Laid D.1 Silicone Dildo

The Laid D.1 Stone Dildo

The Laid P.2 Silicone cock ring

The Laid P.3 Silicone cock ring

The Laid P.3 Stretch Silicone cock ring

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Laid d.1 Silicone Dildo and Silicone P.2 and P.3 cock rings in exchange for my honest review.


Toy Review: njoy Pure Wand Stainless Steel Dildo

Njoy Pure stainless steel wandI’m not afraid to say that I’m a total snob when it comes to packaging: a nude shot of a pretty girl with a come-hither stare shrink-wrapped in plastic just doesn’t cut it these days. So when I slipped off the tasteful white sleeve and saw the discreet black box of my latest Lovehoney toy I was impressed – and that was before I’d even opened it.

For couched inside the gorgeous moulded pink satin interior was the rather exquisite njoy Pure Wand Stainless Steel Dildo, curved and shining in the light, with the most subtle, stylish branding engraved on its inner curve. In fact, ‘beautiful’ was the first word that sprung to mind, because it was clear some serious thought had been put into this entire product from start to finish, as the design was impeccable – I’d even go so far as to say flawless.

So what of the wand alone? Well, intended as a sex aid for both men and women, the njoy Pure was conceived to stimulate either the female G-spot or the male P-spot (prostate), which renders it a great couple’s toy (even better to share). It’s heavy – very heavy: twenty-four ounces (one and a half pounds!) according to the accompanying leaflet. This makes for effective if tiring use: it gives the Pure great heft, but your bicep and wrist can suffer for it, or as one of my friends commented, “I can see myself having to put it down to rest my arm just before the point of orgasm!” Hmm… She has a point, especially as the internal sensation can move from pleasant to painful when you accidentally drop the external end, which means practise makes perfect with this baby.

However, the Pure’s a good length – ten inches long – which means that it’s easy enough to angle and manoeuvre to hit the spot (weight notwithstanding). It also has two differently sized balled ends, one an inch in diameter and the other an inch and a half, which means the user can warm up on the smaller end before heading for its bigger sister. Due to the weight it works far better with a rocking motion than a thrusting movement, and thanks to its shape it goes well with external clitoral massage toys such as the Lelo Mona 2 (my favourite) or the Bodywand Magic Wand Vibrator (easy does it!). In fact, the Pure is such a hit in this house that that let’s just say the njoy Eleven incher is next on my To Do list (pun intended).

Because the njoy Pure Wand is stainless steel it’s beautifully smooth, which makes insertion a breeze, and it can be heated or chilled to your personal preference before play. It’s also non-porous and extremely easy to clean, which means that you can hop from prostate to G-spot play and back again in the time it takes to give it a good old antiseptic spray and a wipe (or few – we here at Cliterati like to be sure).

If you were a fan of electro-stim play and were experienced in this area, then it being metal you could even wrap a section of the Pure Wand in plastic tape to insulate the section where you don’t want any sensation, wire the stim box up to the external end with another electrode (pad) placed strategically on your body (labia or perineum) and BOOM. Check the SmartStim community forum for further electro-stim sex tips (DISCLAIMER on this entire paragraph: don’t try this at home Folks – no, really – you have been warned!).

Back in the manual world, if you’ve tried glass, stone or wooden dildos then the njoy Pure is the next logical step. If you haven’t had the pleasure of any of the above, then this wand is an amazing place to start with regards to non-battery operated dildos – really. And it’s one you won’t regret, as the njoy Pure Wand Stainless Steel Dildoscreams luxury from start to finish, making it an ideal present for the man or woman in your life. After all, you’d get good use out of it too…

The njoy Pure Wand Stainless Steel Dildo is available from Lovehoney for £99.99

The njoy Eleven Stainless Steel Dildo is available from Lovehoney for £249.99

The Lelo Mona 2 is available from Lovehoney for £74.99

The Bodywand Magic Vibrator is available from Lovehoney for £59.99

Lovehoney Fresh Toy Cleaner is available for £4.99


Toy Review: My Top 12 Sex Toys of 2012 – Find Your Lover The Perfect Sexy Christmas Gift

Wondering what sexy treat to get your lover for Christmas? Well luckily for you (and for me!) I’ve spent much of this year in pursuit of the perfect sex toy, and many testing hours later I’ve come up with my 2012 Top 12. You can thank me later.

1)      Wooden Dildo by The Kinky Drawer

For sheer beauty and exquisite ‘objet’-ness, these handmade dildos remain unsurpassed. If your lover has generic sex toys aplenty, then this will complete their collection nicely.

They also have a bespoke service where you can design your own wooden dildo, from length and girth to shape and ridges. Mine is modelled on my husband Roger: my dream double-team!

Visit The Kinky Drawer

MONA-2_packshotMona 2 by Lelo

My all-time favourite vibrator the Lelo Mona just got dumped for a younger model: welcome the Mona 2.

Ticking both G-spot and clit stim boxes, it may be expensive but with vibrations that strong (I – wait for it – had to turn it…down!) it’s worth every goddamn penny. And you can quote me on that.

From packaging to performance, it really is the perfect gift. ‘Nuff said.

The Mona 2 is available from Lelo for £84

3)      Stronic Eins by Fun Factory

A thrusting dildo rather than a vibrator, this is the future of vaginal masturbation, and for good reason it’s the hottest sex toy on the market right now. Best for internal rather than external play, the Stronic is like nothing you’ve ever tried before. It takes a moment or two to get used to using a pulsating product, but once you’re there we guarantee you won’t be going back – just don’t forget to buy a Fun Factory charger too if you haven’t already got one. Fucking fantastic.

The Stronic Eins is available from Simply Pleasure for £128.95

4)      Pillow Foreplay

To the untrained eye the Pillow Foreplay is a completely crazy idea: in layman’s terms it’s an adjustable inflatable pillow with a hole in which you stick your favourite vibrator.

You then ride the pillow-vibe combo like a cowgirl, or even clasp it missionary style above you if you prefer. It’s so simple it works like a dream, also proving popular with male partners due to the visual aspect. Plus it can be used during sex as a handy prop for the more athletic positions.

The Pillow Foreplay has to be tried to be believed, and luckily there are three different versions for girls, guys and gays alike. I’m now a believer – especially as they also do a bespoke service meaning you can have it in latex, leather or even with BDSM-friendly D rings should you so require. Highly recommended.

Visit Pillow Foreplay

5)      The Matryoshka by Rianne S

With phenomenal packaging this really is a truly gorgeous gift: our jaws literally dropped when we saw The Matryoshka’s box – and that was before we’d even opened it!

As its Russian Doll namesake suggests, The Matryoshka is beautifully feminine in shape, and has its own presentation case (pictured) which you can use to conceal it as it charges (although you will need to buy a European plug converter separately).

Not only is it genuinely gorgeous and unique, but it works a treat: surprisingly powerful, it’s the ideal clit stim toy. We were so impressed we had to test it again, and again and again…

Rianne’s Forbidden Fruit apple vibrator is also said to be outstanding, but we’ve yet to test it ourselves.

Like Rianne’s Forbidden FruitThe Matryoshka is classy to the extreme – in other words, the perfect present for any discerning diva. After all, you can’t go wrong with something so right. Exquisite.

Visit Rianne S

6)      Bloom by Leaf

Leaf make the most gorgeous green eco toys we’ve ever seen at Cliterati HQ. I’ve tried the fresh and flexible Bloom and was amazed not only at how powerful its separate vibrations were at both ends, but impressed at the unique design which allows you to reach your required intensity simply by keeping the button pressed until you get there (rather than flicking through the vibrations level by level).

Presented in a Fairtrade-style tea box with a cute canvas storage pouch, this phthalate-free silicone toy is an absolute beauty. Clever and cool, it brings a whole new meaning to the term tea-bagging!

Bloom is available from Simply Pleasure for £89.95Other Leaf toys are also available.

7)      Cupcake Vibrator by Shiri Zinn

This little lady is a true delight: a vibrator that looks like a silicone cupcake – complete with cheeky cherry – and feels like the best foreplay toy you could ever hope to own.

At a perfectly reasonable £35 it’s utterly seductive – especially with lashings of lube – and the icing on the cake is a retro baking tin. Well, actually the icing on the cake is the icing on the cake, and then the icing on the cake of the icing on the cake is the tin, metaphorically speaking.

Anyway, if you’re still with me, the Cupcake Vibrator is an appetising addition to the sex toy table, and like most delicious treats is even better to share. Bon appétit!

The Cupcake Vibrator is available from Vibrator Kingdom for £34.99

8)      Pony Play kit: Leather HarnessGlass Butt Plug Pony Tail and Icicles Glass-leather Dildo-flogger from Lovehoney

If Pony Play’s been on your to-do list for some time but you’re not sure where to start, then I’ve put together this tempting taster trio to get you geared up for the horsey highway to heaven.

First up is the Leather Harness: this version’s no-frills and functional so perfect for beginners. However, you’ll need to buy your own presentation box for it as it comes in a plain plastic bag – not very sexy!

Secondly we have the Glass Vibrations Pony Tail Glass Butt Plug. There are several versions of this on the market, including plastic plugs, but this looked the best quality and least synthetic hair for the price, and it certainly felt fantastic when worn: an extremely erotic experience to say the least. A surprisingly lovely item in itself.

Finally we tried the handblown Icicles Glass Cat-O-Nine-Tails Flogger, which not only has sexy suede strings but also doubles up as a rather classy glass dildo: a sensuous toy with a welcome sting in its tail.

Just ensure in advance that your partner’s up to experimenting in this area, and with Lovehoney’s superfast delivery you’ll be saddled up in no time.

9)      Harness and Small Pegging Dildo by BS Is Nice

For prostate stimulation and general anal play, this is our preferred pegging dildo set. The adjustable harness fits like a dream, the pegging dildo is the perfect size – not too big or too small – and if you’re female you can even buy the additional Capsula dildo to insert inside yourself as you pleasure your partner.

Image courtesy of Cara Sutra

Yes, finally it’s your turn to give as good as you get – especially if you purchase one of Vibrator Kingdom’s bespoke storage boxes to go with it. What would you want written on yours?

Leather Harness and Small Pegging Dildo by BS Is Nice are available from Vibrator Kingdom for £54.99 each.

10)  Latex spanking Skirt and Slut Paddle from Lovehoney

Rubber Girl Latex Wear Rubber Spanking Skirt

If you know a woman who likes a good spanking then she’ll love this: a latex skirt with the rear removed for easy arse access.

Have fun glossing the skirt together using Pjur Latex Shine Spray and then pair with Sportsheets’ leather Slut paddle for maximum effect – and schwing!

These brand spanking new items are available from Lovehoney.

11)  SPUNK Lube

A new addition to the bedroom, this ground-breaking lube that looks exactly like spunk comes in three different kinds: Silicone for longer sex sessions or shower play; Hybrid for use with silicone toys; and Pink, just for the fuck of it.

If you or your man have a fetish for bukkake, cream pies or threesome MMF fantasies, then this Spunk Lube is for you. Plus it’s a genuinely great product, and we can’t help thinking that as well as the Spunk Lube trio selection we’d like luscious Spunk Lube CEO Jeff in our stockings for Christmas too please, Santa!

Visit Spunk Lube US (with international deliveries aplenty)

Visit UberKinky

12)  Vinyl Fitted Fetish Sheet from Lovehoney

I’m not going to pretend this is the most glamorous of gifts, but it may just turn out to be one of the most common-sense presents.

Yes, I realise common sense isn’t sexy, but when you learn that a vinyl sheet is ideal if you’re a squirter, into sploshing, water sports, getting oiled up or even just for fucking during a period, this is an unbeatable present as far as practicality is concerned. And that, my friend, is sexy.

Various Vinyl sheets are available from Lovehoney

OK, I lied – there’s one more, and a very lucky number it is too:

13)  Antibacterial Toy Cleaning Spray by Lelo

Essential for any sex toy enthusiast: does what it says on the tin. You need this in your life!

Antibacterial Toy Cleaning Spray is available from Lelo for £6.90


Toy Review: Doc Johnson Jeff Stryker Realistic Cock 10 inch Dildo

I think I’m in love with Doc Johnson’s Jeff Stryker Realistic Dildo. Yes, I know it’s an inanimate object that won’t love me back, but what with the perpetual retro cool trend, surely it’s OK to worship a ten inch rubber cock from the 80s.

It isn’t? Well it should be, because Stryker’s cock is not only an American cult classic, it’s also an image of sex perfection: a magnificent, monstrous appendage which would have grown men weeping into their Miller Lites with envy and their bouffant-haired wives weak at the knees – for more than one reason. Lord knows Jeff’s powerful phallus must have brought tears to the eyes of his on-screen co-stars during those heady days, so I genuinely don’t begrudge them that particular porn partner – in fact, my eyes are watering just at the thought of encountering the real deal. Because whether using it anally or vaginally, Doc Johnson’s Jeff Stryker Realistic Dildo is not one for beginners, and is unlikely to be an ideal first toy unless you’re already sure of what suits you – and what suits you is bigger than average.

For me, being used to my husband Roger More’s more than generous proportions I confess I’ve become a bit of a ‘size queen’, so personally there could be no comparison to the legend of the infamous Jeff Stryker, being the first porn star I’d ever heard of as an adolescent. And Stryker’s dildo, moulded from the man himself, is not only satisfyingly proportioned, it actually looks like a real cock and balls. So when Simply Pleasure sent this pleasing ten incher through to Cliterati HQ I could’ve kissed them, as I’d been wanting to give Stryker a go for years.

Releasing the beast from its cage was quite something: Mr More was there as I pulled Jeff out of the box, and consequently his chin hit the floor: “I’m not used to feeling inadequate”, was his reverent comment. And I’m not surprised: this dildo was pretty impressive, particularly in girth! I have long fingers, and yet in the universal gesture of ‘OK’, my thumb and forefinger still could barely close around it at its widest seven inch circumference. Shocking stuff.

Better yet (yes, to me that shock was a good thing), this particular Doc Johnson dildo looks exactly like a real cock. Yes: I know! It’s not purple, bright pink or shiny and glittery. Oh no, this immense appendage looks and feels fantastic, just like a true-life phallus (albeit rather bigger than your average Joe’s), complete with veins, textured skin dimples and balls – gorgeous balls you can jiggle at your heart’s content. And boy, it’s beautiful, a really truly gorgeous specimen of a penis. Magnificent, in fact: hence the aforementioned lurrve thang.

The Stryker Dildo is also extremely weighty – hardly surprising considering its considerable size. It comes with a storage pouch, a signed picture of Jeff back in his heyday (a fabulously kitsch touch), and a sucker on the base, so that you can stick the dildo onto a bath, bedbase, door, mirror, wherever there’s a suitably smooth surface. It’s actually attached to the kitchen table next to me right now, casting a considerable shadow over my laptop. Yes, the dildo might be too heavy to stay prone in a horizontal position for long, but it seems pretty steadfast when placed vertically. Joy!

Needless to say, when Mr More returned from a business trip to find Stryker, as I like to call him – err…I mean ‘it’ – stuck proudly to his work chair wearing his tie, he did wryly observe “So this is it: I really am just a walking wallet to you now.” Well, I thought it was funny…

All I can add is that I’ve since learned that the Stryker dildo is just a warm-up fluffer: I’m now looking forward to graduating to Doc Johnson’s John Holmes Realistic dildo and their Bam Realistic Thirteen Inch dildo, both of which come highly recommended by our friends at Simply Pleasure. So let’s get that wallet out Roger Darling, as we’re going to be needing more lube – and lashings of it.

The Doc Johnson Jeff Stryker Realistic Cock Dildo 10 inch (now ain’t that a mouthful?!) is available from Simply Pleasure for £41.45

The Doc Johnson John Holmes Realistic Cock Dildo 10 inch is available from Simply Pleasure for £48.95

The Bam Realistic Thirteen Inch Cock Dildo is available from Simply Pleasure for £75.45

Liquid Silk Water-based lube is available from Simply Pleasure for £9.95

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