I don’t think this has ever happened before, but today I found myself dressed head to toe in one brand. Yes, I suddenly realised that my jumper, skirt, tights AND shoes were all bought at different times from (wait for it) Primark. Ooh the glamour!
I’m not sure whether to be proud that my entire outfit – including footwear – probably cost less than £50, or ashamed that I’ve been to Primark that many times. Either way, I quite like the look. As does my bank balance…
Now, I’m all for a bit of fun, but I generally draw the line at a cheap and nasty Whoredrobe (I just made that word up – like it?!). By Whoredrobe I mean tacky dresses that not only look lowest common denominator, but also feel scratchy to the skin, making you look like a walking STI: garish, uncomfortable, raw, welted – basically the complete opposite of wholesome, and emphatically not in a sexy way. Themed get-ups such as cowgirl and nurse outfits, however, certainly have a place in my heart (if you don’t retain a sense of humour about sex, then please get out of the bedroom).
So the Red Corner by Cottelli Collection box which landed through my letterbox (a perfect fit, might I add – almost as though specifically designed for mail order) immediately rang alarm bells, plastered as it was with pictures of various ‘hot babes’ dressed in the teeny-tiny dresses from the Red Corner range. But the box was also extremely well made: glossy and fastened by a slick magnetic catch, it was a surprisingly sturdy package for such a cheap-looking item (and I mean that in the Dolly Parton sense “it takes a lot…to look this cheap”)!
That said, of course the photos on the box do serve as advertising for similar super-small minidresses, and as such I suppose it is useful to know what else is on offer – it did actually make my husband and I look twice at the brand’s other items, and consider what other outfits we’d like me to try. However, personally I think if Cottelli Collection made the box matt and plain it would look a helluva a lot less tacky, and in turn the dress itself would seem much more of a luxury item, rather than yet more novelty clobber (yawn).
Inside, the dress was exactly as it was pictured on the box, bar the few ‘tastefully’ photoshopped sparkles here and there. However, the material felt far better to the touch than expected (I thought it was going to feel unpleasant and abrasive), and the black stone-studded buckles on the sides of the dress were of a surprisingly solid quality.
The dress was very ‘Pretty Woman’, and as such it made me feel naughty but nice all at the same time. The fact that it was so short it barely covered my bum had the desired effect on my husband – especially when coupled with a wig and heels. I’m told I look good naked, but the lack of dress due to the cutaway effect, and the futility of wearing something so miniscule, were probably more titillating to my husband than me walking around completely starkers!
In fact, my husband’s exact words upon seeing me were “Oh. My. God. That’s a prostitute’s dress – you’re dressed like a prostitute. Come here.” Apparently this meant he liked it! I would definitely suggest pursuing the ‘Pretty Woman’ film theme by adding a wig and some heels (well, if you’re going to run with an idea, you may as well do it properly), and who knows, your partner might even be inspired enough to buy you champagne and strawberries, whilst you earn pocket money to spend on…er…dental floss. Or indeed pockets!
The minidress wasn’t something I’d normally spend money on (for the bedroom I generally either go for sexy lingerie or out-and-out fetish wear), so I really appreciated the chance to try it out. Moreover, as I’ve said, the high quality of the materials was surprisingly decent, and this had a knock-on effect of imbuing me with a lot more desire to wear the dress itself.
I would recommend this minidress to a friend, as it’s a fun way to rekindle a bit of marital friskiness. However, my husband and I have assured each other that when our two young daughters become teenagers, we will never, ever allow either of them out of the house in something so small and slutty (this was because on the Cottelli Collection’s own website, it suggested this Red Corner range was “trendy club wear for sexy women” – perhaps if you’re going to a swinging club, but not for a normal nightclub, surely? Or am I just showing my age here?)!
I’d give this item 4/5 because it does exactly what it says on the ‘tin’! Full marks, 5/5, would be bestowed if said ‘tin’ were less tacky-looking, and the minidress inside also came smartly wrapped in some coloured tissue paper, for example. But otherwise, a fun product to review – especially for my husband!
Next film to be explored in the bedroom? Yep, you guessed it: Norbit!
A version of this text appeared on the Sex Toy Testers website