If I’ve been quiet on the school-run shoes front recently it’s not because I’ve fractured a toe again and had to resort to flats, rather it’s because the persistent rain (it’s been wet weather, like, pretty much a year now) has limited me to my wellies, waterproof DC trainers (sneakers) or gold Kurt Geiger boots – with only a few sunny heels days thrown in for good measure.
But finally today was one of those rare sunny days here in the UK – at least ’til sunset (yes, it’s raining again now) – so here I am wearing my United Nude colour block wedge Delta shoe-boots (or something) with a pair of black skinny jeans from Next.
This reminds me: if you haven’t yet invested in a pair of Next’s Lift, Slim and Shape jeans I suggest you do – if you can get hold of them, that is, as only the black skinnies ever seem to be in stock as they’re seemingly less popular (I’ve been after a blue pair for months). The jeans also come in Bootcut and Slim styles in both blue and black.
Anyway, being a colour block fiend, when I first saw these crazy Delta shoes online I just had to had them. And so I waited until the sales – no, not the United Nude 30% off sales, but the End Of Season ‘you will never see them this cheap again, up to 70% off’ kinda sales. Not that they were cheap, per se, since they’re United Nudes, but they certainly weren’t the original £310 (I know – can you imagine?!), so really I saved money. Well that’s how I justified my £93 anyway…
These Deltas are heavier than I’d anticipated, and since I’m good at high heels, believe it or not they’re trickier to walk in than I’d expected (mainly because the inner sole is so hard under your feet), but thankfully the chunky platforms balance out any potential ball-of-the-foot high heel related discomfort. And they look fab. Right?!
Wednesday’s school-run shoes are some of my favourites: a pair of Irregular Choice turquoise felt heels splashed with red gingham bows and backs, they also incorporate three smiling ice-cream, strawberry and banana-hugging monkey trinkets on each shoe (of course)!
The heels have thick red rubber tips, topped by graded transparent plastic, going from clear to turquoise again, embossed with plastic ferns. Yes, they’re totally bonkers – “Curiouser and curiouser”cried Alice! – and that is exactly why I like them.
To me, fashion is all about fun. Life is serious enough as it is, without having to dress in funereal black all the time.
I’m far more of the vibrant, theatrical Anna Dello Russo attitude than the joyless, passion-chilling, cheer-leeching Anna Wintour ‘Nuclear Winter’ mode.
For me, it’s all about having a sense of humour – which I think you can probably tell from my colourful shoe and clothing collections, and my light-hearted approach to fashion in general!
Today I am wearing my red wool Monsoon coat cinched with a wide black patent black belt, and a stripy Primark wool dress – which frankly was a real find: so cheap, yet so simple and chic with a pair of heels, or perfect dressed down with a pair of flat boots.
The yellow stripe is my favourite colour splash in this oufit, but it’s just out of shot!
Today’s pointed red patent school-run shoes are by Bandolino, and I bought them second hand for £10 from an eclectic Saturday market in Brighton. They don’t show any cheeky toe-cleavage (a style I prefer), but still: Bargain!
Now, I’m all for a bit of fun, but I generally draw the line at a cheap and nasty Whoredrobe (I just made that word up – like it?!). By Whoredrobe I mean tacky dresses that not only look lowest common denominator, but also feel scratchy to the skin, making you look like a walking STI: garish, uncomfortable, raw, welted – basically the complete opposite of wholesome, and emphatically not in a sexy way. Themed get-ups such as cowgirl and nurse outfits, however, certainly have a place in my heart (if you don’t retain a sense of humour about sex, then please get out of the bedroom).
So the Red Corner by Cottelli Collection box which landed through my letterbox (a perfect fit, might I add – almost as though specifically designed for mail order) immediately rang alarm bells, plastered as it was with pictures of various ‘hot babes’ dressed in the teeny-tiny dresses from the Red Corner range. But the box was also extremely well made: glossy and fastened by a slick magnetic catch, it was a surprisingly sturdy package for such a cheap-looking item (and I mean that in the Dolly Parton sense “it takes a lot…to look this cheap”)!
That said, of course the photos on the box do serve as advertising for similar super-small minidresses, and as such I suppose it is useful to know what else is on offer – it did actually make my husband and I look twice at the brand’s other items, and consider what other outfits we’d like me to try. However, personally I think if Cottelli Collection made the box matt and plain it would look a helluva a lot less tacky, and in turn the dress itself would seem much more of a luxury item, rather than yet more novelty clobber (yawn).
Inside, the dress was exactly as it was pictured on the box, bar the few ‘tastefully’ photoshopped sparkles here and there. However, the material felt far better to the touch than expected (I thought it was going to feel unpleasant and abrasive), and the black stone-studded buckles on the sides of the dress were of a surprisingly solid quality.
The dress was very ‘Pretty Woman’, and as such it made me feel naughty but nice all at the same time. The fact that it was so short it barely covered my bum had the desired effect on my husband – especially when coupled with a wig and heels. I’m told I look good naked, but the lack of dress due to the cutaway effect, and the futility of wearing something so miniscule, were probably more titillating to my husband than me walking around completely starkers!
In fact, my husband’s exact words upon seeing me were “Oh. My. God. That’s a prostitute’s dress – you’re dressed like a prostitute. Come here.” Apparently this meant he liked it! I would definitely suggest pursuing the ‘Pretty Woman’ film theme by adding a wig and some heels (well, if you’re going to run with an idea, you may as well do it properly), and who knows, your partner might even be inspired enough to buy you champagne and strawberries, whilst you earn pocket money to spend on…er…dental floss. Or indeed pockets!
The minidress wasn’t something I’d normally spend money on (for the bedroom I generally either go for sexy lingerie or out-and-out fetish wear), so I really appreciated the chance to try it out. Moreover, as I’ve said, the high quality of the materials was surprisingly decent, and this had a knock-on effect of imbuing me with a lot more desire to wear the dress itself.
I would recommend this minidress to a friend, as it’s a fun way to rekindle a bit of marital friskiness. However, my husband and I have assured each other that when our two young daughters become teenagers, we will never, ever allow either of them out of the house in something so small and slutty (this was because on the Cottelli Collection’s own website, it suggested this Red Corner range was “trendy club wear for sexy women” – perhaps if you’re going to a swinging club, but not for a normal nightclub, surely? Or am I just showing my age here?)!
I’d give this item 4/5 because it does exactly what it says on the ‘tin’! Full marks, 5/5, would be bestowed if said ‘tin’ were less tacky-looking, and the minidress inside also came smartly wrapped in some coloured tissue paper, for example. But otherwise, a fun product to review – especially for my husband!
Next film to be explored in the bedroom? Yep, you guessed it: Norbit!
A version of this text appeared on the Sex Toy Testers website