Glamourpussy

When I saw this Glamour box-set of seven – yes seven! – varied sex toys, I was really impressed, and thought my luck was in! There was a plain silver vibrator with additional G-Spot stimulator sheath, a dildo, love egg, love balls, anal beads and a cock ring. There was also a sachet of lube and the all-important batteries, a necessary inclusion to any electric toy package – after all, there’s nothing more frustrating than a pack of sex toys without the means to make them work! The selection looked well thought out, and the presentation was great: silver, glittery, and great fun. It was slightly hen-party tacky, but that was also part of the appeal – I like a sex toy that doesn’t take itself too seriously, so seven sex toys has got to be seven times as much fun, right?!

Glamour Pur Collection

The Glamour Pur Collection

Sometimes with a big collection of toys you can imagine a female partner feeling over-awed or swamped by the sheer size of the dildos/ bum toys/ etc, and she might like to veto one or two of the items before trying them with her male partner, but that wasn’t the case with this range. Personally I felt more than comfortable trying all the toys out with my husband – the selection wasn’t too intimidating, and it was a good box-set to explore together straight-off the bat.

The vibrator was your standard 3-speed vibe that’s probably been the same since 1970s, which was disappointing, as you’d hope vibrators have evolved since then – which they certainly have! Maybe here it was a case of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. The vibrator wasn’t loud, but then it wasn’t particularly effective either!

The G-Spot stimulator sheath which slipped over the vibrator was a disappointment: imagine putting a condom on and it only coming three-quarters of the way down your partner’s penis! Not a good look. And not particularly sexy on a vibrator either.

The same went for the dildo, which size-wise came way shy of my (admittedly unusually well-hung) husband’s cock. But in that respect – in its favour – it wasn’t a threatening size, and I do appreciate that not everyone’s a ‘size queen’ like me! Not only did it lack in girth, but it was too short to comfortably hold manually inside you vaginally. It needed to be a good couple of inches longer so that you could hold it in your hand and still feel it was secure inside you – and get some good leverage to use it against your G-spot. It might be better used as an anal toy for someone who’s moving up to a larger size butt-plug, but not quite ready for real anal sex yet. That said: it didn’t have that all-important butt-plug base to stop it from being sucked up by your sphincter, so maybe it wouldn’t actually be appropriate for bum-play after all…

The Love Egg was cute and space-age silver, with four speeds, and the buzz on high speed was really impressive! It would have been better clad in nitrile or some such similar phthalate-free plastic-y type-material, as the join/ seam running around the Love Egg was, well, unseemly, and not very hygienic either! Before using a specially-designed hygiene spray, I like to give my sex toys a good wash first, but I was uncomfortable using water on this toy for fear that the join would let water into the engine. Moreover, the vibrations kept cutting out during use, and in fact the love egg finally stopped working altogether – a real disappointment!

It seemed to be a design fault due to how the wire (connecting the Love Egg to the battery/ control pack) was positioned as it came out of the Egg. When we moved position it seemed to work again. From personal experience this isn’t an unusual fault for a Love Egg, but that doesn’t make it OK – especially if you’re using something brand new for the very first time! And that wasn’t the only issue: the battery/ control pack itself was also faulty, and despite us rejigging the brand-new batteries every now and again to make sure that there wasn’t a loose connection, the battery/ control pack wouldn’t let us adjust speed unless it felt like it! It seemed to jam somewhere inside: a real disappointment that neither the egg itself nor the battery/ control pack it was attached to worked properly. Nul points, mes amis!

The Love Balls were a good weight, attractive and silver, but similar to the Love Egg it was lacking a hygienic cover, and again the toy would have been better encased in nitrile or something similar so that the seam/ join was completely covered and waterproof, so easier to clean, and more smooth-looking. Still, the Love Balls did the job, and would be good for any mum who needs to give her pelvic floor muscles a workout, or for any woman to wear at work, for example, to make her day pass a bit more pleasurably!

The anal beads were standard plastic anal beads, but with a fun, glittery silver finish which looked great. My husband had a secret solo go without me, and was a very happy man. Personally I would have included a butt plug instead of anal beads, but then I guess the Love Egg and dildo were supposed to cover that angle – literally!

The cock ring was cute and non-threatening for men, but whether you could get a guy to actually wear one, I couldn’t say: he might have liked the anal beads, but my husband took one look at this cock ring and laughed out loud. Maybe it wasn’t manly enough – it was glittery and silver, after all! It was however nice and flexible/ stretchy, and as it’s two-tiered (so it sits quite deep on the shaft), it might be handy to use it to stop your man’s cock from penetrating you too deeply during sex.

The sachet of Lube was a useful inclusion – it would have been a helpful introduction for lube novices to see how much difference Lube can make, and I thought it was a nice touch to include it in the toy assortment. What was missing, however, were image-based instructions for those who aren’t sure what goes where – this assortment of toys came with no practical instructions whatsoever, and I’m sure not everyone is equally clued-up in mutual sexual and self-pleasure as me and ‘im!

This is a great collection of toys to use with a partner: you don’t have to go it alone here, get your man involved! In my opinion, its unique selling point is that that there are items here for both men and women to enjoy alone or together. And everyone knows it’s always better to share…

A version of this text appeared on the Sex Toy Testers Website

Whilst writing this text I listened to the following on Spotify:

Roots Manuva – 4everevolution (Kinda poppy, but with deep enough basslines to hook you right in, and top lyrics to accompany them – as always)

Brett Anderson – Black Rainbows (This reminded me not just of Suede, obviously, but also something else that has momentarily escaped me. I’ll be back to correct this sometime soon when I get the thought back!)

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‘Bitch Ass’ Latex Loving

The packaging for this ‘Bitch Ass Black’ coloured Latex Body Paint was great: a 10″ smart black cardboard box with hot pink writing, a photo of the product inside (essential for any shopper); clear instructions (again, it’s good to know what you’re getting inside); and a photo of a couple of hot (but not too unattainable – so this really could be you!) girls painted in the Body Paint product itself.

Bitch Ass Black Latex

Hello Tiger!

Nope, this packaging would certainly not have been named as an offence against the Trade Descriptions Act, as it was a pretty clear depiction of what it included, the product involved, and the finished result. It was also very tasteful, considering the naughty-fun factor of its contents! My husband and I loved the ‘Bitch Ass Black’ colour name too – it would repel those who wouldn’t like Latex Body Paint anyway, and easily attract the right audience/ market without even trying. Clever!

Applying the latex paint was sexy and fun – my favourite combination! My husband painted it onto my chest, and we both enjoyed every moment of the light-hearted intimacy involved in painting someone’s breasts in ‘Bitch Ass Black’ latex. But it was sexy too, and it applied well: the latex was easy to spread, and the foam applicators were comfortable to use, and not too ‘dinky’. All too often these things have cheap and nasty applicators, but these particular sponges were smart with wooden handles, and did the job really well.

Once on, it was a sure-fire hit, and we’re not huge rubber enthusiasts – well, apart from a couple of extremely naughty rubber dresses in my wardrobe! The latex paint dried nicely, and felt great once it was actually dry. In fact, it felt f***ing fantastic to the touch! I would suggest using two coats of paint, however, as you could see the brushstrokes on only one application of paint, and here and there the skin showed through.

Bitch Ass Black Latex Paintbrushes

Get yourselves ready for some rubber latex loving…

On the interior tub of paint, it suggests “for a durable finish, apply sparkle dust to the dried latex”. I believe it’s a big mistake not to include a sachet of said “sparkle dust” in the box – especially as “sparkle dust” is impossibly non-specific: where would you buy it,www.princessandfairysextoysrus.com? Or perhaps http://www.magicnaughtinessforgrown-ups.com ?! Likewise where it says “a glossy, wet look can be achieved by using a silicone-based shine spray”, including a sample of that same spray in the box would be handy. Kinda frustrating…

The package says “peeling liquid latex off is as much fun as putting it on – do it with a hot friend”, but only real difficulty in using the product was removing it: wow it hurt! Imagine being female and getting your chest waxed, when you weren’t even aware you had any body hair there in the first place – and personally, I actually like a bit of pain here and there! Ouch – and not in a good way. I have no idea how you’d remove a whole body’s worth of dried latex paint – for me washing it off would be the only way…

Generally speaking, since your skin does have to be hair-free, this does limit you a little with regards to using this product on a man, for example. I wouldn’t suggest going off-piste on non-recommended areas with this body paint, although on a thoroughly waxed bikini area it could add a certain something! I think I’ll try it when all my laser hair removal sessions are completed. In fact, the very thought of that is getting me all hot under the collar already…!

So I’m glad to say that the novelty of the latex covering my skin so closely was a real turn-on, which means you won’t be limited to just painting it on as foreplay. Yup, this body paint will get you both hot under the collar when it’s dry too: I can guarantee that getting your partner to run their hands over your newly sculpted rubberised body will make you both melt at the novelty of it all. It was really unusual to have something so tightly mapped to my body, which made it a totally unique experience. I loved the feel, and so did my husband: he couldn’t keep his hands off my breasts – always a winner! Being painted in Bitch Ass Black is like having a super-sexy extra-sensual second skin. What’s not to like? I want the brand’s Joanna Angel Hot Pink Pubes pubic hair dye – now!

A version of this text appeared on the Sex Toy Testers Website

Whilst writing this post I listened to the following on Spotify:

DJ Shadow – The Less You Know, The Better (Shadow doing what he does best: nice enough tracks but pretty dull, as you’ll have heard it before around fifteen years ago, as it’s very Endtroducing-y: I would have liked something more fresh, but I guess it’s a case of if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! An updated sound would be nice though…)


My Pretty Woman Whoredrobe

Now, I’m all for a bit of fun, but I generally draw the line at a cheap and nasty Whoredrobe (I just made that word up – like it?!). By Whoredrobe I mean tacky dresses that not only look lowest common denominator, but also feel scratchy to the skin, making you look like a walking STI: garish, uncomfortable, raw, welted – basically the complete opposite of wholesome, and emphatically not in a sexy way. Themed get-ups such as cowgirl and nurse outfits, however, certainly have a place in my heart (if you don’t retain a sense of humour about sex, then please get out of the bedroom).

So the Red Corner by Cottelli Collection box which landed through my letterbox (a perfect fit, might I add – almost as though specifically designed for mail order) immediately rang alarm bells, plastered as it was with pictures of various ‘hot babes’ dressed in the teeny-tiny dresses from the Red Corner range. But the box was also extremely well made: glossy and fastened by a slick magnetic catch, it was a surprisingly sturdy package for such a cheap-looking item (and I mean that in the Dolly Parton sense “it takes a lot…to look this cheap”)!

That said, of course the photos on the box do serve as advertising for similar super-small minidresses, and as such I suppose it is useful to know what else is on offer – it did actually make my husband and I look twice at the brand’s other items, and consider what other outfits we’d like me to try. However, personally I think if Cottelli Collection made the box matt and plain it would look a helluva a lot less tacky, and in turn the dress itself would seem much more of a luxury item, rather than yet more novelty clobber (yawn).

Inside, the dress was exactly as it was pictured on the box, bar the few ‘tastefully’ photoshopped sparkles here and there. However, the material felt far better to the touch than expected (I thought it was going to feel unpleasant and abrasive), and the black stone-studded buckles on the sides of the dress were of a surprisingly solid quality.

The dress was very ‘Pretty Woman’, and as such it made me feel naughty but nice all at the same time. The fact that it was so short it barely covered my bum had the desired effect on my husband – especially when coupled with a wig and heels. I’m told I look good naked, but the lack of dress due to the cutaway effect, and the futility of wearing something so miniscule, were probably more titillating to my husband than me walking around completely starkers!

In fact, my husband’s exact words upon seeing me were “Oh. My. God. That’s a prostitute’s dress – you’re dressed like a prostitute. Come here.” Apparently this meant he liked it! I would definitely suggest pursuing the ‘Pretty Woman’ film theme by adding a wig and some heels (well, if you’re going to run with an idea, you may as well do it properly), and who knows, your partner might even be inspired enough to buy you champagne and strawberries, whilst you earn pocket money to spend on…er…dental floss. Or indeed pockets!

The minidress wasn’t something I’d normally spend money on (for the bedroom I generally either go for sexy lingerie or out-and-out fetish wear), so I really appreciated the chance to try it out. Moreover, as I’ve said, the high quality of the materials was surprisingly decent, and this had a knock-on effect of imbuing me with a lot more desire to wear the dress itself.

I would recommend this minidress to a friend, as it’s a fun way to rekindle a bit of marital friskiness. However, my husband and I have assured each other that when our two young daughters become teenagers, we will never, ever allow either of them out of the house in something so small and slutty (this was because on the Cottelli Collection’s own website, it suggested this Red Corner range was “trendy club wear for sexy women” – perhaps if you’re going to a swinging club, but not for a normal nightclub, surely? Or am I just showing my age here?)!

I’d give this item 4/5 because it does exactly what it says on the ‘tin’! Full marks, 5/5, would be bestowed if said ‘tin’ were less tacky-looking, and the minidress inside also came smartly wrapped in some coloured tissue paper, for example. But otherwise, a fun product to review – especially for my husband!

Next film to be explored in the bedroom? Yep, you guessed it: Norbit!

A version of this text appeared on the Sex Toy Testers website

The Cottelli Collection Red Corner Range